“Not meant to be a mother.”

“This is God’s way of saying that you are not meant to be a mother.”

A coworker said this to me, in a matter-of-fact tone, after inquiring why I wasn’t pregnant a year after getting married (I had stupidly not made it a secret that we wanted a family). To her, it was a simple statement based off of the latest book on spirituality that she had been perusing. She probably never thought of that conversation again. I eventually moved onto another job, wisely told NOBODY that we were trying for a baby, but obsessed over that comment every day for five years after it was uttered.

It’s what no fertility-challenged, loss-grieving woman wants to hear and what many of us, deep down, believe might be true. It is the stuff that depression, anxiety, and self-doubt are made of. It’s a powerful self-defeating delusion that can stop us from seeking treatment options or from moving on to adoption.

Here’s the thing. If God/the Universe only granted fertility to those who were going to be “good” parents, then I strongly disagree with His/its view on parenting. As a teacher, I’ve worked with many children who have been neglected, abused and abandoned by a biological parent, often one who had multiple other children with no apparent history of infertility or loss.

I believe that Willow chose the right time to come into our lives and to remain long enough to be born. I believe that we were blessed and chosen to be Willow’s mommy and daddy, and although I would not wish the pain of infertility and loss on anyone else, I know that it was an important part of our journey that helped to strengthen our marriage and our determination to be the best parents we could be.

I love being a mommy. I thrive in this role that I craved for so many years, and I don’t take a moment of it for granted. Our little girl is strong, healthy, smart, loved and lovable.

I think we are doing pretty well for people that God/the Universe was supposedly trying to force out of the gene pool.

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5 thoughts on ““Not meant to be a mother.”

  1. I too had a harder time getting and staying pregnant. I didn’t share our difficulties with everyone. One day in the staff room I was telling a funny story about some odd behavior of a little boy and how grosse I had thought it was…bathroom stuff…you can fill-in the blanks, lol. Long story short a co-worker made this comment to me: “God forbid that you have a boy if that’s what you think.” I got up and left. It was supposed to be a funny story and she made it into something that I still think about today. I am so blessed to have my 2 girls and would never change a thing about my life today. But there were/is times I think that my miscarriages were the lost boys that I was cursed with by that thoughtless woman.

    • I’m so sorry to hear about your losses, but your girls were certainly worth the wait! You would have cherished your children regardless of gender, but I get how easy it is to internalize the negative comments of others. It’s strange how people can drop a huge bomb on you and never think about it again, yet the aftershock of their words can linger forever. Hug those girls tight and know that you were chosen to be their mommy. They are as lucky to have you as you are to have them. (((Hugs)))

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