“This is God’s way of saying that you are not meant to be a mother.”
A coworker said this to me, in a matter-of-fact tone, after inquiring why I wasn’t pregnant a year after getting married (I had stupidly not made it a secret that we wanted a family). To her, it was a simple statement based off of the latest book on spirituality that she had been perusing. She probably never thought of that conversation again. I eventually moved onto another job, wisely told NOBODY that we were trying for a baby, but obsessed over that comment every day for five years after it was uttered.
It’s what no fertility-challenged, loss-grieving woman wants to hear and what many of us, deep down, believe might be true. It is the stuff that depression, anxiety, and self-doubt are made of. It’s a powerful self-defeating delusion that can stop us from seeking treatment options or from moving on to adoption.
Here’s the thing. If God/the Universe only granted fertility to those who were going to be “good” parents, then I strongly disagree with His/its view on parenting. As a teacher, I’ve worked with many children who have been neglected, abused and abandoned by a biological parent, often one who had multiple other children with no apparent history of infertility or loss.
I believe that Willow chose the right time to come into our lives and to remain long enough to be born. I believe that we were blessed and chosen to be Willow’s mommy and daddy, and although I would not wish the pain of infertility and loss on anyone else, I know that it was an important part of our journey that helped to strengthen our marriage and our determination to be the best parents we could be.
I love being a mommy. I thrive in this role that I craved for so many years, and I don’t take a moment of it for granted. Our little girl is strong, healthy, smart, loved and lovable.
I think we are doing pretty well for people that God/the Universe was supposedly trying to force out of the gene pool.